Bittersweet

So, I sent my primary home this week...
For those of you who don't know what I mean, let me explain. I am a nurse and work in a Newborn Intensive Care Unit... Not just any NICU, I work at Primary Children's in the NICU where we see the worst case scenarios come in... any baby needing surgery comes to us from a 5 state radius, and we get most of the cardiac babies and other genetic problems. Well, since our patients stay for so long (1-2 months on average), us nurses have the opportunity to sign up to become their "primary" nurse, which means that pretty much every shift we work, we care for that particular child. I added my primary back on the first week of February, and can honestly say that this child literally saved my career. I was as a point back then that I was not sure I wanted to continue doing what I was doing. I hated my job and was very unhappy, and was looking for other job openings. Then, he came along and changed that for me. I added him because he was really sick and I wanted him to have consistency with someone who knew how he acted when things were going bad. I also added him because I thought his condition would be a much needed challenge for me, since I'd never cared for that particular condition before. He had a tracheoesophageal fistula and esophageal atresia. What that means in english is that his esophagus did not form properly during development and instead of being one long tube from his mouth to his stomach he had two pieces, an upper piece that was a blind pouch, and a lower piece that actually connected his stomach to his trachea (forming a fistula-or opening to somewhere that shouldn't have that particular opening). So, he needed surgery to fix that. Well, in his case, his esophageal portions had a very long gap, so they couldn't connect them right away, but they did do surgery to fix the fistula and to put a G-tube in (a tube that is placed through the abdominal wall into the stomach, so we can feed him). We had to grow him in order to fix the esophageal atresia. He had to have a tube in his mouth that constantly suctioned anything out of his upper esophageal pouch, otherwise he would build up spit in his throat and then choke on it. He also had a G-tube as I mentioned, so that we could feed him. Well, about a month ago, the day finally came to do his final surgery. We connected his esophagus and got ready to send him home. We did have a few complications along the way, but we made it and any progress is good. He now is stable, but has such bad reflux that he can't and doesn't want anything in his mouth, or he gags and throws up. We had to send him home with tube feedings, but now the tube goes into his intestines instead of his stomach, because he can't keep anything down otherwise. We are very happy to send him home, but sad too. I have really become attached to this sweet little guy. He is now 4 months old, and I have cared for him for that long. Yesterday was my last shift caring for him, and it was really hard to leave. When his mom left that day, she hugged me and we both started bawling. We have become such good friends that it's really hard to think that we are no longer going to see each other on a weekly basis. I cannot tell you what this family has done for my life. I feel so loved and so wanted, that it makes me want to go on in my job and serve others too. I feel like I am appreciated and that I did a really good job. It keeps me going. The best feeling in the world was when I came back to work from a 2 week vacation and the first thing he did when he saw me was give me a huge smile. I about melted!! The other best feeling in the world was hearing his mom say that she was glad I was taking care of him, because I was always so nice and because she trusted him with me. It makes you feel like you're actually making a difference in the world, and that's what I'm in this profession for. Anyway, I had a really hard time last night after work, and at the end of my shift. I just had to hold him one last time and I just cried the whole time while he looked at me like I was crazy :) I was very depressed thinking that I may never see him or his family again. In reality I think I will, but you never know.
It's hard to let go, but I couldn't be happier for him and his family. I will miss you little buddy.